2010, A New Year

Lately I've been contemplating my own growth and transformation and what it means in my life. I've come to realize that this past year was about seeing myself truly from a witness perspective. The light and the shadow, the inner child, the male and the female aspects. Last year I stopped and pondered myself, my thoughts, my actions and the guidance I received more than ever before. I stood still and listened. I witnessed myself in everything I did. In essence I turned my gaze inward to face whatever I may find...

While last year was a year to explore and integrate the darker side of myself, this year feels like a year to trust and allow the lighter side to emerge into fuller expression. While last year felt heavy and dense with drama, karma, childhood stuff, etc. This year feels open, like a clean slate. A new freshness like after a clean snowfall brightens up the entire landscape. This year is a beginning year for me. A new decade and a renewed commitment to living authentically from my center, the core of my being. A year to uncover new desires, to have more fun, to listen and be compassionate. A year to open myself up and allow others to see their own beauty reflected in me.

Freedom

Yesterday I found freedom in the last place I would have thought to look ~ at a Candy factory taking phone orders for Christmas. I worked the entire day and as the day progressed the feelings of joy kept building inside. I couldn't believe it at first... could it be that an $8.50 an hour job could give me such pleasure?

I realized that it's all in the meaning I attach to the job (or any event in life for that matter). I see the job as an opportunity to practice serving others, connecting with an open heart and being fully present in each moment no matter where I am. It's a wonderful game that I'm choosing to play. The freedom comes from the choice. I'm not being forced into this job. It's something I'm choosing to do.

This "meaningful motivation" as my Vividly Woman sister and mentor Leela Francis says has made all the difference in the world. Ten years ago I served at a similar job as a cashier and hated it. Everyday was all about me, how tired, bored, sore I was and how cranky the customers were. It's so empowering to witness my own growth come full circle and to feel the feelings of love, peace and joy building within me more and more of the time.

Flight

Before I left for Wizard camp last July, I had a unique experience right in my own backyard. As I was looking up from my computer out my window I saw not one but two birds walk very deliberately across my back yard. The walked slow and steady, plodding purposefully along step by step until they got to the fence blocking the way to the neighbor’s yard. At this point it looked bleak for the fence was many times taller than the bird. The bird stopped for a second almost pondering the obstacle and then suddenly as if remembering that it was a bird spread its wings gracefully and flew magically to the top of the fence. The second bird then proceeded to follow the same deliberate walk of the first bird and flight up to the top of the fence to ensure that I understood.

I did understand somewhat than and more fully now… in my life I’d been putting my head down and plodding deliberately along creating my own business. At some point along the way the joy seeped out of the whole process and I found myself faced with a wall. For months I had been spinning my wheels trying to do more, to market more, make the website faster, meet more people and all I succeeded in doing was stressing myself out and giving myself more deadlines without any real reason to keep moving other than to not be still.

The birds made me realize that all there was to be done was remember who I am and spread my wings and fly. For the past three months I’ve been embracing the process of remembering. At first I’d been berating myself for not knowing myself deeper and not being able to help others. With sweet, sweet surrender came the clarity that I needed to dive deeper in order to be able to soar higher. What emerged from the stillness surprised me and now that I’m starting to live it out, I’m still surprised at the simplicity of it all. I have to keep reminding myself not to overcomplicate things. My mission right now (should I choose to accept it!) is to fully embody love, vulnerability, openness and intimacy in all that I do. In my relationship with myself, with my dog, with my husband, my neighbors, my co-workers and clients spiraling out to everyone I meet and on and on.

I am being called to truly embody compassion, love, humility and to allow myself to merge with others, connecting deeper and more profoundly than ever before. When I surrendered to this yearning I realized its perfection, its great timing and preparation for me to express more of my authentic self more of the time. With practice have come great fun, joy, success and other times of disappointment, breakdown, correcting and breakthroughs. Amidst it all I keep going, keep trying, improving, opening and surrendering. For love and connection is the basis of everything I am and everything I do whether it be as a writer, healer, teacher, coach, trainer, guide, lover, mother or woman. Underneath it all is love and the practice of love is transforming my life from the inside out – preparing me for flight.

Putting the Pieces Together

As I wrap up my year since leaving my engineering job, the message has consistently been “put the pieces together”. I finally realized a few months ago that I needed to start by putting the pieces together of my own soul, my path, talents, abilities, etc. and then to put together the pieces of my mission and the visions for living that mission out in the world. I can say that now I feel like I have most if not all of the pieces spread out before me and have put a few of them together.

All that remains is to keep at it, keep entering the stillness to discover what my heart yearns for, trying it out and discerning more and more keenly what my life is all about. This process of discovery is a game of wonder to me and when life gets rough and I feel like I’m just holding on trying not to get washed away, I cling to the wonder of the game and trust that in surrendering to this new storm, this new challenge in my life, I will ultimately discover a new piece of myself and that is worth all of the trial and tribulation I may go through at times.

Building the Foundation

I've been wondering for months now when they are going to build the house behind us. The plan for it has been in the works since even before we moved in eight months ago. Just when I'd given up hope that they were going to build it this year, all of a sudden work started a couple of weeks ago to prepare the ground and lay the foundation. Now as I look out my window and watch the frame go up, I can't help but reflect on my own life.

Sometimes as I go about my day and week I fall into thinking that it doesn't look like I've gotten anywhere lately in my life. The problem is it's hard to see the results of all of the ground work I've been laying - forgiveness, releasing old emotions, weeding out negative thoughts and energies, and programming new empowering beliefs. Seeing the frame for the house go up in a few short days, I remind myself that in my own life right now I've done the excavation process and am laying the foundation for future successes. I know that this planning and foundation building is not only an important part of the process but the key to building a stable future. So as I move forward, I'm reminded that patience and perserverence will see me through and soon enough I'll be erecting my own framework.

Everyday Beauty

I was at the beach the other day and it was a beautiful, sunny, picture-perfect day. When I was walking along I noticed someone with a metal detector. He had his head down and headphones on and was concentrating hard on his search for buried treasure. It struck me that sometimes this is how we go through life, with our heads down, searching so hard for a small trinket that we miss the beauty and abundance all around us.

As I continued walking I pushed the pause button on my life for a minute and made sure to be fully present - to pay attention to the sun warming my skin, the gentle breeze on my face, the soft crunch of sand beneath my toes and the lapping of waves at my ankles. I am reminded that everyday truly is amazing and all we have to do is be open to it and let it in.

Underneath It All - How a stinky onion can show the way to our core essence

A few weeks ago I was peeling an onion and immediately noticed a stench. When I looked at the end I saw the there were two bad layers buried within the onion. At first, I tried to get rid of the smelly layers by cutting more slices off of the end of the onion. It quickly became apparent that that wasn't going to work as each slice contained a piece of the smelly two layers. I thought of throwing the whole onion out, but then an idea came to me; if I cut through the good outside layers and then the two brown layers, I can get to the core inside. That's exactly what I did and in the end I was left with a much smaller onion core that was pure white and perfectly healthy.


Looking at the experience from a personal and spiritual growth perspective; if we are the onion, then at some level there are stinky layers within ourselves that need to be healed. A lot of the times we walk around thinking we are whole and that nothing is wrong. Often others can smell the stench of a bad layer before we do. When we do smell it, sometimes we want to cover it up, other times we believe there is nothing we can do about it and then there are those times of despair when we just want to throw the whole onion out and forget about it.

The secret is to go deeper. To be willing to peel back the layers of ourselves in order to get to our core essence. The true shining self that lies within was there all along and is waiting for us to discover and reveal it. It takes courage to be willing to peel back the layers and reveal more and more of our true self to others. Most of the layers have been added at some point for protection of some kind and we can feel naked and exposed without them.


In my life, I've noticed that as I continue to peel back the layers and reveal more and more of my true self, my life has become increasingly blessed, on purpose and peaceful. I encourage everyone to find the courage to peel back the layers of yourself to go deeper than ever before. The core of each and everyone of us is pure beauty and love and the world is waiting for the real you to show up.